I’m pretty much ready to get out of here. A year early. Here’s the honest, damn prediction. Nothing’s going to happen. And I get it, he should be the last of my worries as it’s statistically proven that relationships during the ages of 16-22 probably will not last, and that’s cool! Let me worry about college, and grades, and work, as if I don’t already worry about those enough. Whatever. It still doesn’t shut down or shut off the damn feels. Like wanting a complete idiot, who I, cannot believe, still find attractive, with his blue eyes, and his uncleverness. HE DOESN’T WANT ME. Fuck, he talked to someone else. From work. As well. And now, I bet he has some other girl. And I shouldn’t even care. It’s not like I always say hi to him or whatever. He probably never found me interesting, was bored, or maybe I just got old. I am old news. He’s in fucking college, and I’m in fucking high school. But I mean, aren’t you supposed to have experiences or whatever the heck people always go on about? 

I think it just comes down to the simplicity of that The Smiths song, “Please, please, please, let me get what I want”. It’s been so long. I want something real. I wish I could care for someone. 

**beware that i’m gonna all lyric-y in a bit

But there I am, floating all alone in the sea, happy, but alone. All those silly boys noticed her, but she was not interesting enough, oh no, not forever, not like the movies, not even like those actual relationships you see in real life. They gave her the time of day, they winked, laughed with her, fooled her, but they were not for her. She keeps waiting. Still floating. Nothing happens.

Summer to do list

• Start baking just for the fun of it, and challenge myself
• Run every fucking morning even if it’ll make me sweaty and gross
• Relearn songs I love on the piano
• Figure out if I’m wasting time with blankity blank blank
• See him :) 
• Actually, just him
• Lolol, get it
• Read more, finish The Hunger Games series, read Perks of Being A Wallflower
• I bet you’re thinking this is all cliche
• It’s not
• OH, and get my license 

I’m exhausted and feel guilty because I’ve been a bitch to someone who’s been a douche to me and I’m so unaware of the things I do 

I know I shouldn’t really read into your little sexual innuendos you always let slip past me, but seriously whyyy do youu do itttt lalksjdlkasjdalkj I don’t get it, I really don’t 

The fact that you could ever like me freaks me out more than anything 

His eyes are going to be the death of me I swear

Really hope my awkwardness is attractive to you.. BAHAH. 

But oh my goodness, sometimes I get these waves of nostalgia where I just miss the beginning of freshman year so much. I was such a kid then, careless, I didn’t have to work, I went to a high school I didn’t hate, my friends were hilarious and we actually hung out, and I didn’t have to worry about all of this overwhelming college shit. I just miss it so much.